Through It All
As I sit here and stare at an empty page, I have no idea what to write but I know I have to. I am currently walking through the most trying time of my entire life. I find that words come a whole lot easier to me when I have had time to heal. I can process through the emotions and bring my thoughts to written or typed words when I have seen part of the bigger picture. But I decided in October to be vulnerable and share God’s goodness and faithfulness in the midst of heartache. I had no idea what would follow after I wrote those words and made that promise to myself. So here I am, 2 months later writing through the pain, being vulnerable, and allowing myself to share in the midst of tragedy.
Shortly after my first blog entry, I unexpectedly found out that I was pregnant. Words cannot fully express what I felt in that moment. Disbelief, excitement, gratitude and pure joy are just a few of those feelings. The moment I had waited for and prayed for for so long finally came to fruition. As I sat there staring at those beautiful two pink lines, I just wept and thanked God for answering the prayers to my heart’s deepest desire. The weeks that followed were full of joyous moments. Watching my body grow and change was so exciting. Telling our family and friends was so much fun. Preparing Stryker to become a big brother was the moment we had dreamed of for so long. What an amazing big brother he was going to be! Logan and I were so thankful for this amazing miracle. We truly thanked God each and every day.
The day finally came for us to finally get to see our sweet little baby that was growing inside of me. When we got to see her on that ultrasound, it was so surreal. That sweet little heartbeat, those perfect little movements. Those were all happening inside my belly in that moment. It was so beautiful. We were in pure disbelief and continued to praise and thank Jesus for our incredible miracle. However, we had no idea what was to come in the next 24 hours.
While I do not find the need to go into detail, I will say that the next day after we saw our beautiful baby for the first time, God decided to call her home. Our feelings of joy, excitement, and gratitude turned into feelings of confusion, grief, and pure anguish. How? Why? Is this real? Those were all things that just kept racing through my mind. The feelings of pure emptiness that followed were and still are extremely real. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t angry at God. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t asked God “Why me?” After years of struggle, why did He get my hopes up? Why did He let us see her only to lose her 24 hours later? I’d be lying if I said I still didn’t ask God those questions. But in these last few hardest weeks of my life, I know in my heart that God loves me. He weeps with me. He’s carrying me through it all. He has not forgotten me and my pain. He deeply wants me to trust. Trust that beauty will come from the deepest heartache. Trust that faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains. Trust that hope and miracles are on the horizon.
I still have so much healing ahead. I have emotional scars that need to heal. But I can honestly say that through it all, it is well. My heart is fractured, but it is well. I have moments of paralyzing grief, but it is well. I often find myself thinking of the “what should have been”, but it is well. While I have no idea what is to come, what I do know is that I serve a God who is a Waymaker and a Miracle Worker. My miracle is on the horizon, your miracle is on the horizon. God is a Promise Keeper. He has done it before and He will do it again! Trust him through the heartache. Trust Him that His goodness can come from tragedy. And most importantly, Trust Him to show you the beauty in the midst of your blemish.
