Hand of God
God’s timing and plans for our lives often look a whole lot different than what we plan out for ourselves.
To be honest, I’ve had a really difficult time figuring out how to start this entry. Then I looked over and saw my daughter smiling and cooing at me. She instantly reminded me that in the times I thought I knew what and how I wanted my life to go, God was there saying “wait…I have something even better, but you need to trust me in the process.” That all sounds so easy and straightforward until that process comes with a lot of heartache, wandering, grief, time and questioning.
Our journey to our daughter is, without a doubt, the most painful and yet beautiful process of my life. The journey to our beautiful baby girl started with the loss of a dream followed by months of questioning that began to turn my heart of hope into a heart full of resentment. I grieved over my due date and empty arms, the loss of my grandmother followed by the loss of my uncle a few short days later. I began the new school year clinging to any bit of hope I had left and entered into the most challenging year of my career. I felt like my heart could not take one more thing. I didn’t understand why God wasn’t putting a stop to my pain. But little did I know, He was thoughtfully and carefully forming a delicate little life. A life that would not be growing inside of me, but a life that God would be growing me for. We were both growing separately, but for each other at the same time.
When Logan and I decided to pursue adoption once again, I was in the midst of some of the deepest heartache I’ve ever walked through, let alone all at the same time. However, we knew it was a path God wanted us to go down once more. I struggled a lot with battling the depression and anxiety I was experiencing and figuring out how I could also be excited for the adoption process to begin again. My heart and my head were telling me so many different things at the same time. I knew adoption was where God wanted us to be, but why could I not feel joyful? I felt excitement for the potential future, but I was deeply mourning the life I had to say goodbye to. I was struggling in all areas of my life. I didn’t have the energy I usually did for my family, friends, or my career. But man did I try. Then one day God got ahold of me. He made it known that if I wanted to experience the beauty in the life I have been given I need to admit the need for and accept help.
Shortly after, I got connected with a therapist and my life started to make sense and feel whole again. I still had rough days, but I was slowly getting my joy back. I started to see the beauty in all of my blessings and I began to feel content for the first time in a very long time. Most importantly, I learned that joy and grief can coexist. It is okay to grieve what could have been while being joyful for what will be. That was a hard concept to grasp because we oftentimes don’t think those two polar opposites can exist together. We think we can only feel one without the other. But the truth is, you are allowed to mourn the past, be joyful in the present, and be hopeful for the future at the same time.
As I mentioned before, during this time of growing in my life, God was also carefully growing another little life. A life that we would have the honor and privilege of calling our daughter. We started the adoption process just a few months earlier and were fully expecting it to take some time. Then one morning, Logan woke up and said "Jenna, I had a dream last night. Our agency sent us an email about an expectant mother and a baby.” He then told me what the email said and told me he believed it was 100% from God and if anything like this dream comes up in the future, we will know it’s for us.
Six hours later, and I literally mean 6 hours later, I get an email from our agency that is word for word what Logan’s dream said. I dropped my phone and started weeping. Could this really be it? Could this be the answer to our hearts’ prayers? On March 1, we found out this incredibly strong and courageous expectant mother had chosen us to be this beautiful baby girl’s mom and dad. On March 24, our baby girl entered the world and turned our family of 3 into a family of 4. As I watched her come into this world, take her first breath, and hear her first cry, all I could do was thank God. Thank Him for the heartache and the growing pains. All of that led me to the moment of holding our daughter for the first time. God had been growing both of us together at the same time, but separately.
Even when I couldn’t see it, God was there and He had his hand over every detail. Even the smallest ones. He just wanted us to remain faithful and trust in Him and His plan.
When I look back over my life…my husband, my Stryker Daniel, and now my Arabella Faith, it is clear that every moment, both good and bad, have been carefully and thoughtfully woven together by the Hand of God.
